I heard that statement emphatically stated by a black woman in my first book salon for Some of My Friends Are…. I immediately thought that the comment was born out of sheer frustration. Repeated and unsatisfying conversations about race with whites who were not “woke,” coupled with constantly battling implicit and conscious bias in her workplace, drew this woman to the conclusion that she was “done with whites.” Despite the audible gasp in the room from some whites, she did not back off her comment or even explain it further, despite probing—proof that she was really done.

That same statement was repeated by a few black participants in subsequent book salons that I have facilitated across the U.S. The statement didn’t come from blacks who choose to live, work, worship, and socialize in predominantly black settings. It came from peace-loving, well-educated, black men and women of achievement who lived in predominately white or racially-mixed neighborhoods, sent their children to private schools that were mostly predominately white, and who worked in predominately white professional settings where they held leadership positions or were entrepreneurs and business owners who provided services and products for racially diverse populations.

In book salons comprised of racially diverse participants, the comment is met with silence followed by a quick change of the topic. In groups of predominately black participants, it prompts a lively discussion with folks weighing in as if using a Likert scale from strongly agree to strongly disagree.

I am both a facilitator and learner in these book discussions. As a black woman with a shared, lived experience of racism and racial inequality, I find a part of myself instinctively agreeing with the person who has courageously stated being “done with whites.” As someone with a number of close friends who are white and someone who is dedicated to forwarding a “getting to we” agenda for a just and racially integrated society, I am compelled to dig deeper. So, I circled back to a few of the individuals who made the comment to get a better sense of what they meant by “done.”

For some, in racial interactions or discussions about race, it meant no longer being committed to white people’s comfort, especially if they needed to call them out on racial missteps or when microaggressions were hurled at them. They reported that they had stopped educating whites about how racism comes in many forms and not just from people who wear white hoods and carry tiki torches. They had eliminated any attempt in their everyday encounters with whites to get them to understand their social privilege. As black individuals who themselves understood the dynamics of social privilege in other areas of human differences (class, religion, sexual orientation, mental/physical ability to name a few), they found it especially challenging to stay silent and resist making the link from white privilege to structural racism for whites. Yet, as the recipients of racism, they were committed to making white people do their own work to eradicate racism. For others, it meant no longer judging or defining themselves by white norms and standards. And for one black woman named Barbara, it meant seriously considering moving out of the U.S. to Africa.

Barbara stated that from her early years and throughout many points in her life she had to deal with racism. Interacting with white people meant having to “explain who I was, why they shouldn’t be afraid of me, how they could understand me. I have been doing this for a long, long time. I am tired. All that cajoling is hard and has been emotionally draining.”

In Barbara’s previous position, working with whites to achieve racial equity was part of her job responsibilities. It was a responsibility that she took seriously and managed effectively. “Then, I gave whites the benefit of the doubt,” she tells me, “and I believed that whites were not racist. Now, I assume that they are. It’s a hard place for me to be spiritually, but if you are white and I don’t know you, I don’t trust you.” Giving serious consideration to moving to Africa, Barbara believes, will allow her to be respected as a person of color. “The U.S. has breeched its covenant with African Americans and racial equity remains only an aspiration and one that is fading.”

The racial divide in the U.S. is wide, and there are those, like Barbara, who believe that we will not realize the vision of a racially just society anytime soon. The pathway for “getting to we” is a divided journey reflected in these words by Malcolm X:

"I tell sincere white people, ‘Work in conjunction with us—each of us working among our own kind.’ Let sincere white individuals find all other white people they can who feel as they do—and let them form their own all-white groups, to work trying to convert other white people who are thinking and acting so racist…Working separately, the sincere white people and sincere black people actually will be working together. In our mutual sincerity we might be able to show a road to the salvation of America’s very soul.”

Malcolm X’s ideology has been newly embraced by some and understood as the current reality by many. I am grateful to the many brave individuals who willingly (and sometimes skeptically) attend a book salon to discuss contemporary race relations through the lens of friendship and how we might “get to we.” Most people turn to their family and friends to have conversations about race, but if their networks are of the same race then those conversations are limited. That is why I find these book salons with diverse participants especially important.

Most whites in these discussions represent the 75% whose social networks are totally white and a few in the discussion have close, trusted friends of color. Although most people of color in these discussion understand “I’m done with whites,” most reported that their thinking does not align with Malcolm X’s ideology of working separately for racial justice.

Alissa, a black woman, sat next to her white friend Heather in a discussion that led to the topic of whether or not blacks have ended relationships with white people over what is happening in the current polarized, political climate. Alissa recalled the adage, “Never cut what you can untie.” She admitted that she has had to untie a lot of white folks as they revealed to her that they didn’t share her same core values. In the quest for racial equity, Alissa believes, “Whites have to do the work to be ready. They have to step up. As people of color, we have been shouldering the burden for a long time. I have had to be the representative voice. It’s their turn.”